So I decided I wasn’t going to just sit back anymore and allow another one of my fellow officers to end there life!  I had just seen 2 kill themselves in 5 years!

Yesterday October 25 2019 2yrs and 8 months after being diagnosed with PTSD, I decided I would speak up and speak out… I was going to go public.

After speaking with a fellow officer and friend @beardedcop… do hashtags/@’s work on this thing?  How do I give him a shout out? Anyways, after speaking with Bearded Cop for a couple of weeks about how to blog, where to start, my fears of doing it, the what it’s, and his constantly telling me, it’s amazing and to go for it, I finally went for it!

Cats out of the bag… I spoke!  As nervous and terrified as I was, I knew I had to do it.  It had been calling to me… “it” being the speaking out and raising awareness, had been calling to me.  I could feel it inside, and I needed to speak!

After posting it publicly, I felt great, I felt good… but then, mere hours later, a strong sense of feeling vulnerable… oh shit!   That’s not what I expected, where was the euphoria, were was the pride?  I felt scared, worried and nervous.  What kind of self-therapy is this? I thought.  Support was flowing in, but I still felt very scared and vulnerable.  So, Bearded Cop got a text… “I feel very vulnerable right now… did you get this way?”  His response, and once again he eased my worried soul, “ha, I was literally going to text you” followed by “yeah man totally normal. Have fun with it. If/when updating it starts to feel like a chore just take a break and continue later on”.   And of course talking to my truest partner in crime my girlfriend Dom(iniquity), her telling me how proud she was of me and wiping the tear (or more) from my eyes and holding me tight thank you my Babe, I love you! … and once again, it’s back there’s the happy feeling! And Thank you Bearded Cop for make me realize it’s normal to have those thoughts.

I am more determined to raise awareness than ever before, now, a day later I feel so empowered by going public, and the support just keeps rolling in.

I got a message from a retired copper… really tough looking cop he was, big barrel chested Italian guy, “that brother is real strength”  he then said if I ever need to chat, and gave his cell number to me!  That is a brotherhood (yes I know it’s a brother/sister hood, but he’s a guy… ha! Thanks Joe!

Another message came in from a paramedic, and this made it clear that I truly had made the right move to go public, and that my Hope’s of why I was going public, to raise awareness and possibly hopefully help others speak up and speak out, came true… he wrote; I will paraphrase “you coming forward and addressing this issue really inspired me to seek more help for some of my troubles”  that single sentence put a huge smile on my face and heart, that is why I did this!   I feel amazing, I thanked him for sharing with me!  Thanks Leo!

I am so ready to continue spreading this message!   I, you and We are not alone!